Monday, April 07, 2008

Da Blooze & Stuff

Yesterday was a pretty good day, unlike other days this past week… or perhaps longer. I’ve alluded to the fact I’ve been…um… “out of sorts” of late. It’s actually been worse than that, but that’s beside the point. Let’s get back to yesterday.
I awoke around 1000 hrs, put the coffee on, lit off the teevee and switched it to NBC… to catch the final game of the Red Wings’ season, which was televised nationally (lucky me!). I was anticipating a bit of a pre-game show but this being Texas (well, not really but my NBC feed is out of Amarillo), what I got was Today’s Evangelical Sermon For Shut-Ins. Instant and immediate zzz’s ensued, until I was awakened by the beep-beep-beep of the coffee pot signifying all was right with the world. So we roused ourselves yet again, made our way into the kitchen, poured that first cup and puttered about a bit before the game began.
About a minute after the puck dropped, my phone rang… SN1 on the line… and we proceeded to watch the game together but separately as is our custom. SN1 demonstrated what it means to be a true hockey fan, as he was out until 0400 hrs Sunday morning yet still roused himself after only six hours sleep just to watch the game. You may remember, Gentle Reader, I’ve mentioned SN1 is TDY to Nellis AFB in Beautiful Lost Wages, NV attending yet another boondoggle “career broadening” activity, this most recent one being an advanced service school. He and his class had some sort of function last evening and Buck served as the gaggle’s Designated Driver. So…no hangover involved, just a lack of sleep. But true hockey fans rise above this sort of thing… and so he did. We traded off phone calls as the game progressed, mostly when the Wings scored or Hasek made a spectacular save…things like that.
The game wasn’t a disappointment. The Wings dispatched Chicago easily… winning by a score of 4-1. Hasek came close to his sixth shutout of the year but it wasn’t to be, as Chicago scored on the power play with a little less than three minutes left in the game. Overall, the Wings looked really good and I’m taking this as an omen of future success. The playoffs begin next Saturday, and it looks like Buck and I might get to watch the first game together… in meat space, rather than on the phone. He graduates from his school at the end of next week and will swing through P-Ville on his way back to South Carolina.
That’s a great good thing, ya know. Beer will flow with wild abandon and there will be LOTS of yelling, cheering, and the odd moan or two. Kewl. It don’t get much better than that (for a geezer).
Deetroit Free Press Photo: Nick Lidstrom and the President’s Trophy, at a presentation before yesterday’s game. Nick never touched the trophy. The only hardware you actually TOUCH at play-off time is The Cup itself, once you’ve won it. It’s one of the quainter superstitions in the NHL.
―:☺:―
So. The wind diminished enough yesterday to allow me to put my awning down, open up the windows, and take in the gentle Spring air minus the gale force winds. We only got up to 70 degrees, which is dead-solid-perfect in my Big Book of Weather. Just the kind of day that made sitting out side with a couple of hefeweizens and a good cigar most enjoyable. (A critical beer review here. Beer snobs might wanna bookmark that link; good stuff be there.) A few more days like yesterday would do a whole lot towards restoring my mental health. Speaking of which…
My step-mother (“Mom,” hereafter) called on my birthday lo these two weeks or so ago. Mom is only about ten years older than I, so we relate to each other more as peers than in a traditional mother-son sort of way. Talk flows easily between us, punches certainly aren’t pulled, there are no agendas or games. The conversation turned almost immediately in this sort of direction (and it’s most certainly not verbatim, either):
Mom: So. How ARE you, anyway?
Me: I’m about a six on a scale of ten.
Mom: Really. Why is that? Birthday thing? Introspection about aging?
Me: That’s part of it. Growing old ain’t for sissies. One makes adjustments, one realizes there are “certain things” you can’t do as well as you used to, if at all. Your reflexes slow, your appearance changes, yadda, yadda. You adjust. But that’s only part of the issue.
Mom: Well…what else?
Me: I find myself missing (The Second Mrs. Pennington) a lot these days. I know that’s neither rational nor normal, given the fact it’s been nearly ten years now.
Mom: I understand. It’s been 17 years since your Dad died and I’m still not over it. I doubt I ever will get over it. Some wounds just don’t heal.
Me: Wow. Thanks for that. I’ve found friends and even family have a very limited tolerance for wounds that don’t heal; the expectation is you should just “get over it” and get on with life. After a bit you just stop talking about it. But (The Second Mrs. Pennington) was in my life for so long, and so deep…
Mom: What you and (The Second Mrs. Pennington) had was very special, Buck. And you have to realize some people never have what you two had, even for a moment. I understand completely.
Me: Thanks.
Ah… that’s what Moms are all about, innit? Even we geezers need a shoulder once in a while. Or a therapist, if you believe in that sort of thing…which I both do and don’t. As in I “do” believe where other folks are concerned and “don’t” when it comes to me, based upon past experience. “Therapy” in my situation would be both a waste of time and money... two commodities in relatively short supply in these parts.
Lest this pity-party get completely out of hand, let me reassure you I’ve just got Da Blooze. It ain’t nuthin’ serious. Sitting outside yesterday with a cigar and a few beers got ‘em on the run, for the moment. It also helps (me, anyway) to “count your blessings” when you hit the lower points in life. I went through that exercise yesterday, too. I have a lot to be thankful for… relatively good health, two wonderful and successful adult children, beautiful grandchildren, financial security, and a life-well-led, with tons of great memories.
That should be enough, no? But sometimes it’s not. Who knew this damned torch would burn so brightly, for so long?
Not me.
―:☺:―
Today’s Pic: Mom and Dad, sometime in 1990…about a year before Dad died. Taken in Newport Beach, CA.

16 comments:

  1. Sounds like you and Buck had fun. And are looking forward to more fun!

    I can not remember the exact words to this quote so am I paraphrasing. It says something like true love dies slowly and painfully and true love with great happiness is immortal. Somethings in life are impossible to get over. They can be lived with but one never fully recovers from them. You have collected you life from pieces and mended it Buck. You should be proud of that is shows great strength.

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  2. P.S. I hope that comes across the way I meant it to.

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  3. Hopefully you can get outside and enjoy another BEAUTIFUL day today (even if it is a tad on the breezy side). I missed the hockey game, because, well, I don't watch hockey. But there was an awesome (as in VERY close, but rather sloppy play) NCAA Final Four ladies game last night (UT/LSU). Thankfully the Lady Vols won.

    Moms always try to understand. Glad the two of you have a good relationship.

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  4. Your step-mom sounds like a great lady - wise and loving. I'm glad you appreciate her. I love it that you and your sons have such a great relationship. If people sometimes seem like they want you to move on and "get over it" well, maybe it is their way of wanting good things for you. I think those people see you for the wonderful man you are and want your happiness - even if their "limited tolerance" is out of place or mis-guided. I feel like Ashley - did my meaning come across right?

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  5. Buck - there is no timetable on grief. And while TSMP is still among us, you are still grieving what you lost. It's a process (note the nice soft therapy word... :-) ) and you have to just roll with it. Don't ever let anyone tell you when it's time for you to move on - only you can know that.

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  6. Thanks for the kind words, Ladies. I took your comments in a positive manner, Lou and Ash. Once again, I appreciate your thoughts and friendship. Priceless, as they say!

    I was outside quite a bit today, Jenny. The day wasn't as good as yesterday, but it was definitely passable! ;-)

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  7. Buck - there is no timetable on grief.

    Ah...the ol' Simultaneous Comment thing! I've always maintained divorce is worth than death in some respects... especially where children are involved. Parents remain parents and thus cannot avoid each other, even if they wanted to. Makes for the ol' sticky wicket, not to mention on-going pain. I'm much better at that last bit than I used to be, so there HAS been improvement. ;-)

    Thanks for your kind thoughts.

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  8. worth = worse.

    Typos 'R' Us!

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  9. Lou: Yes. I feel the same way.

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  10. Your step-mom sounds like a very special lady. She is right. There are some wounds that never completely heal. All we can do is to learn to live with the pain and get by as best we can.

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  11. Your mom's a gem. Yeah, sometimes misery just loves company. It's nice that you and TSMP had that time together, because it is true that most people never find that even for a moment. I certainly haven't.

    Feeling a little bitter, actually.

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  12. Reading your stuff here costs vanishingly close to nothing. Yet it's so valuable. Thanks for that added value.

    Getting past the hockey stuff, this was awesome. It makes me cheery, even if you're not. I'm a little sad about that part.

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  13. Buck, You are not alone. Maybe it simply tis the season. Below is the e-mail I sent to only a few precious souls on Saturday night, from the floor of my now too large house's innermost bathroom, after closing all the windows so as not to frighten the neighbors, once I had closed the garage as my wife and daughter pulled away. Every moment has gotten easier since, but that message was a flare arcing across a midnight sky from a ship about to go down. Barry, wouldn't you know it, responded within minutes. It was enough.

    I share it with you now only to say, you're not alone brother. And however much it sometimes feels like it won't, it will pass, if you can wait it out. Hang in there my friend.
    -------
    The last night sleeping under the same roof with my wife and daughter passed last night, and I didn't even know it at the time. So I am left here, in this moment, wandering amidst the detritus of a lifetime, in the shell of what was once a home. I keep telling myself that this will pass. My heart says I lie--that this is not a temporary problem.

    Sydni paces the house, looking for the cat, Ivy, for the newfie, Jasmine, for something indescribable and intangible but undeniably real--something that no longer exists. A home has an aura; this place has a shroud.

    [Sent from the tiny keyboard of my Palm Treo. If it's short, that's why.]

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  14. Buck what you've written here has my respect.I admire your honesty and am thankful for all the kindness you've shown your friends and me on the blogs. Your son seems to reflect that same kindness, you did good with him!!!!
    I'm praying that same kindness be extended right back to ya! Wishing you joy in the simple things today :)

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  15. Becky sez: Your step-mom sounds like a very special lady. She is right. There are some wounds that never completely heal.

    She is a great lady, Becky. Interestingly, she and my Dad married around the same time The First Mrs. Pennington and I married... but her and my dad's marriage (obviously) lasted a lot longer than TFMP and I did. So... Mom and I have a long history.

    Phlegmmy sez: Your mom's a gem. Yeah, sometimes misery just loves company. It's nice that you and TSMP had that time together, because it is true that most people never find that even for a moment. I certainly haven't.

    Feeling a little bitter, actually.


    Oh, Phlegmmy! You're such an amazing and wonderful person, with a zest for life and a unique POV. I'm shocked you haven't found "that" person... it seems to me like some lucky SOB would have snapped you up long ago... which reinforces my view that love is essentially a crap shoot. The fact that some of us manage to find our soul-mates (for lack of a better term) and make a go of it is amazing, as the odds-against are just SO great.

    I'd be bitter if I were you, too.

    Reese sez: Getting past the hockey stuff, this was awesome. It makes me cheery, even if you're not. I'm a little sad about that part.

    Thanks, Bob. I appreciate that, more than you know.

    Doc sez: ... I share it with you now only to say, you're not alone brother. And however much it sometimes feels like it won't, it will pass, if you can wait it out. Hang in there my friend.

    ...

    A home has an aura; this place has a shroud.


    Oh, Doc. Your wound is RAW. Even though it's been nearly ten years since TSMP walked out my door for the last time I remember that day like it was yesterday, and that's no exaggeration. Those events seem to happen in slow-motion... every second is a minute, and so on.

    Your observation about auras and shrouds is SO spot-on. I had to live in MY too-big house for five months between the time she left and I sold it/moved out. Coming home every night to that cold, silent, and oh-so-empty place was gut wrenching. Every single time. You still feel her presence, she's still there in myriad small ways, but she's NOT.

    I wish you strength, Doc.

    Dawn sez: Buck what you've written here has my respect.I admire your honesty and am thankful for all the kindness you've shown your friends and me on the blogs. Your son seems to reflect that same kindness, you did good with him!!!!
    I'm praying that same kindness be extended right back to ya! Wishing you joy in the simple things today :)


    Thanks, yet again, for the kind thoughts, Dawn. Today is off to a mediocre start, though, as I'm watching The Petraeus/Crocker Show, and all the jugglers and clowns are out in FORCE. Her Hillaryness hasn't been up yet, but that ass-hat Kennedy has already made his first appearance. Petraeus and Crocker have been good though, as was McCain.

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  16. Well not much I can add here that others haven't said. I think most of us have "been there" at some time or other.

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