Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Ring o' Truth, Part Two

From the Shoebox blog...


Which is a more concise version of this:

There's This Old Joke...

... that goes like this:
What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine
: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes
: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing
: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead
(with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead
(normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh
: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs
: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh
: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh
(as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay
: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do
: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks
: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot
: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".


I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.

Note:  I'd highlighted the bits above for a reason I illuminated in the original post.  It was just a war-story.

17 comments:

  1. "We need to talk" means "shut up and listen while I go on and on."

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  2. That's okay,sigh. This little post does not bother me. I'm fine, really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But do you have a raised eyebrow?

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    2. And arms folded. I'm not speaking either. Oh wait, that is not a punishment :)

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  3. I am not going to comment beyond this.
    That way I can say I saw it.
    But I can't have put my foot in my mouth.
    Can I?
    No, GS knows what I really think.
    Thank God!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Discretion, valor, and all that. You're wise, Skip.

      Delete
  4. There is an additional problem/mystery and it is one of human biology. I can talk very fast , but were I to recite all the dumb things I've done in my married life it would probably take oh, say, 6 hours of non-stop talking. How, then is it possible for my wife (or any wife) to in the middle of any heated argument on any topic to smoothly shift gears and run-down every,single. horrible.thing one has done in one's married life--those things it would take me 6 hours to recite--all in a matter of 2 and one-half minutes. How is this even anatomically possible? How can the tongue, voice-box and esophagus. mechanically accomplish this??? 'Tis a puzzlement that always leaves me amazed..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not the only one, believe me. I was also amazed at the near-photographic memory involved; shit that happened ten or even 20 years ago can be recalled with perfect clarity... at least in THEIR minds. Small things... like the actual ACCURACY of past transgressions... often escape them, though. Still and even: amazing.

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  5. BTW, OT Buck, but after you've finished with 24 you ought to hold a group discussion/review here along the lines of, say, did they buckle under to the Islamist critics and soft-pedal the Muslim bit in the later seasons?, etc. PJ Media had an article about that a while back but I forgot to book-mark it and I can't seem to find it in their archives...

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    Replies
    1. I just finished season seven last night and there's some truth to the soft-peddling. The Bad Guys in Seven were eeeevil ultra-right-wingers.

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  6. RE: the original post - OMG, whoa and other expressions of incredulity.

    That being said, I have developed what to me is a very sophisticated response to the feminine wiles and ways described herein. I convinced the Missus long ago that I truly am an idiot. Therefore everything I do which displeases her is to be expected and is, in fact, her fault. Because she married an idiot.

    The reason we're still married is that I am a "lovable idiot". At least that's my oldest daughter's opinion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shoulda tried that approach. Mebbe I'd still be married. :-)

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  7. Buck, I'm a couple of days late to comment on this and it's Valentine's Day so I'm not saying anything else.

    But, regarding your viewing in mass the "24" series, I highly recommend "House of Cards" on Netflix as your next "all at once" viewing project. The whole first season is 13 episodes and you can only get them on Netflix. It stars Kevin Spacey in an absolutely brilliant and cynical portrayal of a Democratic congressman hell bent on revenge. A subscription is only about $7.50 monthly by the way and it will bring you lots more great viewing including some great British series as well as many old movies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've read good things about "House of Cards" in other places, as well. I might get Netflix.

      Delete

Just be polite... that's all I ask.