Sunday, November 04, 2012

There's This Old Joke...

... that goes like this:
What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

Fine
: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes
: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing
: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead
(with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead
(normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh
: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs
: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh
: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh
(as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay
: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do
: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks
: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot
: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".


I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.
So, in light of THAT, there's this lil exchange that took place a couple o' nights ago:
She: Just being who I am, however, I may not communicate so freely at another time.  I don't have the desire or the energy to argue with you. This may be the best time.
Me:  The best time for WHAT?  What is it you want?  What do you want me to say?
 
She:  Nothing.
And that was the end of about an hour's worth o' back and forth.  Some poor sonuvabitch prolly had a rough night after that exchange.  At least I HOPE so, as the poor SOB I have in mind deserves everythang he gets in that space.

20 comments:

  1. "I'll be right back". as you are leaving is the only way to counter most of her verbal assaults/attempts to degrade the man. It works. I have done this two or three times and it has always ended whatever scene the woman is attempting to sculpt.

    Of course, you have to be ready to depart the pattern, for good. It is a great nuclear option when you are getting shit-hammered for trivial reasons.

    Life is too short to get beat up by someone who loves you.

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    1. "I'll be right back". as you are leaving is the only way to counter...

      I tired that once upon a time. The First Mrs. Pennington followed me out of the house as I was leaving, got into our car and tried to run me down in the alley. I shit thee not: the woman actually tried to KILL me. I was lucky in that I leaped into the air as she bore down on me, rolled over the hood, and bounced off the windshield. NEVER turn your back on a crazy woman. Ever.

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    2. And if you do turn your back, make sure you're wearing body armor.

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    3. Buck, the bit about WNO1 trying to run you down reminds me of another "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" story: When I was in grad school@Tulane I worked as a security guard on the waterfront (and BOY do I have some stories about that!) for a firm named New Orleans Private Patrol (NOPP) headed by a very remarkable Father-son (Louis Gurvich Sr & Jr--the senior is now deceased) who were internationally honored , Both were at one time head of the both the US National and International Detectives assoc and both are grandmaster bridge champions and both were at one time President of the National bridge Assoc. These guys are true professionals--we're talking a combo of FBI-like professionalism and Mick Spillane-type adventures. Both have at one time cracked major crime/theft rings in N.O on the waterfront and all on their own--they're the real deal. (They also have their own personal detective agency inder their name as well as owing NOPP.)

      Anyway, long story short, when I first hired on Louis Jr personally took me to the firing range to qualify me (he is about 10 yrs older nthan me--would be in his late 70s now) and we got to talking and somehow the subj of women and guns came up and I allowed as how angry women never miss--even if they have never held a gun in their life. He laughed and said --and these are his EXACT WORDS to best of my memory. "Boy you're right, it isn't just an old wives tale. It's been my personal experience that a guy can be zig-zagging, ducking and dodging, down a darkened alley at full speed and an angry wife or lover who has never held a gun in her life will put three slugs centered in the back of his skull--they never miss." LOL!

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    4. PS: I left out"...skull at 30 feet..." lol

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    5. Virgil. Buddy. Once again: get yerfineself a BLOG! It's cheap... free, even... and you'd have an instant audience of hundreds, if not thousands. Kris and I would pimp you at the drop of a hat, as would hundreds of other Lexicans. Your stories are just too damned good to waste them on a small-potatoes blogs like this.

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  2. They should all come with an instruction manuel! Been married just shy of 50 years, and still mess up at times.

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    Replies
    1. An instruction manual wouldn't do ANY good, as the damned thang is always in re-write mode... sometimes from minute to minute.

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  3. How does that old saying go? "You can be right, or you can be happy." Angus Lind (now a retired columnist from the Times Picayune and briefly a fraternity pledge-brother of mine, before he dropped out of LSU and erolled @Tulane used to quote that all the time in his columns, lol)

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    1. Unfortunately I'm one of those poor benighted souls who'd rather be right, which goes some ways towards explain' why I'm where I am today instead of somewhere else. But, fuck it. It's all good and I can look at myself in the mirror while shavin' with NO regrets.

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  4. This morning I was trying to stir the eggs while Toby found the pepper (which he had misplaced while grilling last night). When he found the pepper and began to grind it over the eggs, he said, "STOP Stirring the eggs so I can see what I'm doing!" It was his tone that pissed me off. So I stopped stirring and left him to finish making breakfast however he saw fit to do it. I didn't say a word to him, but somehow he knew he had pissed me off. Later he tried to smooth it over as if he had not growled at me - as if I were the one being bad. Obviously, he knew he had screwed up. More pissed. It seems so easy to have just said, "I'm sorry, honey. I should not have growled at you." rather than act like he had done nothing wrong. It really is very simple. I think he like to see me riled.

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    Replies
    1. ... rather than act like he had done nothing wrong.

      You know how we men ARE, Lou. Well, most of us, anyhoo.

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    2. That tactic runs on the Y chromosome, Lou.

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  5. Buck, I'm borrowing/stealing this for the back page of Jungle Jottings - and you'll even get the credit!.

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  6. I don't get this, I really don't. I hate game-playing, passive-aggressive bullshit. I say what I mean and mean what I say, and I expect the same from anyone I deal with on a regular basis. If you're not being straightforward with me, I'll call you on it!

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    Replies
    1. You're an exception, Christina. As was TSMP, back in the day... which was one of the things I loved about The Girl. But then shit happened...

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  7. So Buck, I take it you've actually met my wife?

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    Replies
    1. Heh. Nope. At least I don't think so.

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Just be polite... that's all I ask.