Thursday, June 16, 2011


Well, hockey season is over and the way things are going it looks like we may not have a pro football season... not that I'd give a big rat's ass, personally.  But a lot of folks are gonna suffer if the NFL cancels its season.  Enter an Occasional Correspondent, who sends along the following...

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation.  We have banded together to overcome adversity.  We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level.  And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise.  For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.


Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor.  Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150).  Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.


Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.
Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste...


I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense  [ ] Defense  [ ] Special Teams  [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout.  Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: ___________________
Account Number: __________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard   [ ] Visa   [ ] American Express  [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard   [ ] Visa   [ ] American Express   [ ] Other
Signature: ______________________
p.s.  If you have a little extra, please enclose for the cheerleaders.  Contrary to public opinion, cheerleaders are people too.

Heh.  I can help a cheerleader out by givin' her a place to sleep.  Coz I'm good like that.


  1. How you feel about the pro football players is how I feel about Hollywood sorts. Then they have that commercial that says when someone copies a movie rather than paying for it, someone in the movie business doesn't get paid - pfft!

  2. I'm not big on the Hollywood set either, Lou. But I AM big on shareholders so I take a dim view of piracy.

  3. Good one, Buck. But I'm such a bleedin' capitalist that I accept the high salaries paid to athletes. Also, seems like today, college athletes are pretty dang close to being professionals. (Back in the '50s Vanderbilt, for example, was very competitive in the SEC. But as the years passed, they never got into the financial shell game and thus today are cellar dwellers.)

    I once had a prof of economics explain the high pay of athletes to me as an example of the market in action. If people (owners, fans, etc.) didn't want to pay that much, they wouldn't. Plus, he said, major league or NFL or NBA athletes are professionals at the very top of their particular line of work. They get paid whatever the market allows.

    I guess too there's resentment at the money being paid someone for a "game." But I think that really falls apart when you look at how much money is involved with TV rights, stadium income, etc. This "game" is really a business, a big business. But more akin to the entertainment business IMHO.

    Sorry to be so long winded. Oh yeah, one more thing: GO TITANS!

  4. Suh..weet! Tons of people just got a new email!
    Thanks for the inspiration!

  5. Pretty much what Dan said, except for the Titans part.

    This is funny though.

    Geaux Saints!

  6. This "game" is really a business, a big business. But more akin to the entertainment business IMHO.

    It IS the entertainment bid'niz, nothing more. I just have a hard-on for the NFL and the NBA, and NOT in a good way. Those two leagues seem to attract more than their fair share of thugs IMHO, and I won't watch them or give 'em any of my money. But that's just me and I recognize I'm in a very small minority here.

    Anon: You're welcome!

    Moogie: I thought it was pretty funny. ;-)

  7. Buck, it definitely was a funny piece and I hear you about the thuggery involved. And it does seem like it's mainly the NBA and the NFL, not so much MLB. Wonder why that is? But baseball was very slow to deal with the steroid problem.

    The Titans had a thug a few years ago named Pac Man Jones who really showed himself over and over again. I believe he's out of football now. Looks like the Titans have got another one now too, Kenny Britt, a WR who was arrested for a second time this past week. Thuggery plus millions of $ is a sick and deadly combination that the owners and the leagues should be on the watch for and punish severely--like docking 1/2 salary or something similar. Seems to me that could be a mandatory part of those lucrative contracts.

    That's my two cents worth.

  8. It seems... to me, anyway... that the two leagues in question are slow to penalize their criminal elements and/or get rid of them entirely. But I suppose that's to be expected, given the amount of money involved and the potential adverse financial impact on the owners. People are people, which is to say: greedy bastards. And thugs.

  9. Heh! Heh, Heh, Heh!!! Indeed.

    Love it.

    I could not care less if the NFL ever plays another season.

    Dan is a great man, but obviously is ANCIENT! Anybody that can remember Vandy as a power has plenty of trips 'round the sun under his belt. Nyuk...ah loves ya', Dan. And, you know I do.

    Some say that without the NFL to shoot for, College Ball would not be what it is. Poppycock! (Is that gay? I hope not.)

    In truth, I believe that if College Ball was the end of the line that it'd be even better...much more disciplined...more revered...a more important vehicle to success in life for the scholar/athlete.

    As to the NBA...haven't watched a game in decades, and do not intend to.

    Baseball is a bit different, as Dan mentioned. But, I haven't watched MLB in years, either. Dunno. I hope it's not envy of the gynormous salaries paid to the entertainers in question that has squashed my interest in it all. I really don't know.

    Hmmmm....just typing out loud here....

    Regardless, funny piece. And, I'm pretty sure we could find a spare room for a homeless Cowboy cheerleader, too. I mean, being Christians and all, it's our duty!

  10. In truth, I believe that if College Ball was the end of the line that it'd be even better...much more disciplined...more revered...a more important vehicle to success in life for the scholar/athlete.

    Agreed, in spades. One need only look as far as the service academies to see high quality football (relatively speakin') is NOT dependent on bein' an NFL farm club.


Just be polite... that's all I ask.