Thursday, February 02, 2012

In Today's Mail

I have the best Occasional Correspondents.  First, this lil vid:

The video was accompanied by an admonishment not to mess with old people because "they're already angry because they're old."  NOT true.  Most of us Old Farts are very happy, even if it's only happy that we've made it this far.

And then there's this, which is semi-misogynistic, lewd, crude, but not tattooed:

Gentlemen Quiz

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
Well... I answered 'c' eight times.  What time do we leave?


  1. After scanning the whole post I had to go back and read it a little more carefully. I then changed a couple of answers, number one in particular.

    v-word = apolig


  2. The v-word is most appropriate. For some of us. ;-)

  3. The C answers to numbers 3 and 7 knocked me out and the queue answer in 8 was great.

    Country entertainer Little Jimmy Dickens is 90 now and still appearing at the opry and telling jokes. This quiz made me think of one his favorites: "My wife leaned over the balcony and said 'run upstairs and make love to me.' I said, 'Honey, at my age, I can only do one or the other, not both.'"

  4. At a murder trial an 87 year old lady said she caught her husband having sex with a 25 year old woman in her bed.

    She then grabbed and threw him off the 8th floor balcony, and said "If he can still fuck at 90, then he can fly!"

    "I was wrong I guess..."

  5. I answered "B" WAY too many times, obviously.

    I even answered "A" three times (not telling which questions...but you can probably guess).

    I need to gooble a therapist, I guess.

  6. I'm a girl, and I even knew the right answer to every question was C.

  7. This was probably confusing to most men. In your mind you answer C, but what comes out of your mouth should be A, if you want to continue to have sex.

  8. I am relatively certain that whatever answers I gave would cause some consternation for someone.

    Maybe "goobling a therapist" would help?

  9. And just what two questions did you omit, Buck??? EXPLANATION! Or we're going to consider revoking your man-card..

  10. Dan: I SO relate to that Dickens story. Unfortunately.

    Flying: I've heard that story before and it still makes me laugh.

    Andy: I might have had one 'B' answer. Mebbe.

    In your mind you answer C, but what comes out of your mouth should be A, if you want to continue to have sex.

    But isn't that LYING, Lou?

    Sharon: I like the way ya think!

    Skip: Yeah, this thang was a lose-lose proposition if one considers the TOTAL audience.

    Virgil: I may not be yer High Plains Drifter any longer but I shall remain a Man o' Mystery. And NO ONE has enough clout to pull my man card. That kinda thang only happens in cheesy weak beer commercials.

  11. Who are you, and what have you done with Sensitive 70s-Kind-of-Guy Buck!

  12. We're holding him in an undisclosed location. He's safe... for the moment... but you should send us a case of Abita seasonal product and three dozen fresh and shucked oysters via Next Day Air if you ever want to see him again. You know how to get ahold of us.


Just be polite... that's all I ask.