Wednesday, July 30, 2008

A Couple of Things from The Onion...

…which is really good of late. Dunno which is funnier… this:

EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.


In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy.

"Perhaps he will succeed where I have failed," Gore said.

Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion.

"On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men," political analyst Sig Schuster said. "He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains."

Or this:

MACON, GA—Linens-N-Shit, the nation's largest retailer of bedsheets, tablecloths, and a wide assortment of other shit, will open its new location Tuesday morning at the Macon Mall.

"We are excited to open our first store in the Macon area, and we encourage shoppers to arrive early and check out all of our great linens and shit," said Robert Barlow, the company's senior vice president. "We're proud to offer the local community the best selection of the name-brand shit you want at the prices you love."

I really, really, really can’t make up my mind. So… it’s on you to decide, Gentle Reader.


  1. I thought Super Gore was funny!

  2. Kal-Al...that's a good one...faster than a speeding Prius. hee hee.

  3. Well since I honestly believe if Al Gore could do this, he would...I think the Linen's and Shit is me WOMAN let me shop :D

  4. Both counts made me laugh.

  5. The kal-Al was funny, but the Linen's and Shit made me blow coffee on the keyboard.

  6. I agree with all you ladies. The Gore bit was funny, but the Linens'n'Shit made me cry I laughed so hard. There was just something about the narrative that simply cracked me up. Which, I suppose is evidence that my nine-year-old sense of humor is alive and well.

  7. I always thought the "99 cent store" was a place you went when you had a little bit o'month left at the end of the money. You dug change out of the couch cushions then you went there, making sure to factor in the sales tax.

    Imagine my surprise the first time I saw a woman, wandering the aisles, with her husband's credit card OUT, looking for things to buy.

    Looking...for buy. Then I saw it a few more times.

    Yeah, I really screwed myself over before I even had a chance at bat. Men should know about this woman/shopping thing before they're married. I was clueless about it well after I was divorced. Momma was just waaaay too sensible.

    Loved the line about "an estimated 650 tons of shit." You really should've included that in the excerpt.

  8. The Al Gore bit, hands down. It fits perfectly with his whole Oracle manufactured persona.

    He's such a tool - which could mean he could be found in the aisles of the new Linens n Shit store.

  9. The Linen's n Shit stuff is like excellent old Bob And Ray, just a tad dirtier. Very funny!

  10. Linens 'N Shit - the Onion crew is definitely channeling the late George Carlin (of blessed memory) on that one.

  11. Love that store and the other one, We Be Toys'n Shit!

  12. Morgan: I learned all about women and shopping from The First Mrs. Pennington, who would MOST definitely be at the opening of a Linens'n Shit in her neighborhood. The Second Mrs. Pennington never had "the bug," thankfully. I tend to avoid women who are "shoppers" these days, or at the VERY least put them on notice that I won't play... or fund... such activities. My last girlfriend was a shopper, and the woman literally had closets FULL of shit that was never used, along with some boxes not even OPENED, after being brought home.

    Jim: Agree with ya on the Bob and Ray association.

    Barry: You, too, with Carlin!

    Mushy: Now I could get behind a "Toys 'n Shit!"


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