I spent well over two... count 'em, TWO... hours on the phone yesterday with a couple of gub'mint entities in an effort to resolve a couple o' issues. We'll not give away the farm here, but I was gratified at the end of the ordeal in the knowledge that BOTH issues were resolved in my favor.
First of all... we spent 57 minutes on the phone with the Defense Accounting and Finance Service (DFAS) tryin' to get an answer to a simple question, to wit: "Have you received, and have you acted upon, my request to (a) change my state of residence and (b) begin withholding New Mexico state taxes?" I sorta knew the answer to (b) because a quick call to my credit union indicated DFAS had NOT withheld state taxes this month, given the amount deposited in my account was the same this month as last. So... after spending 54 minutes on hold ("Your wait may be longer than 15 minutes," advised the pre-recorded message. No shit, Sherlock.) I got in touch with a customer service rep that advised me "Yes, we received your letter of September 26th and state tax withholding will begin with your December check." Well, thank ya, Ma'am... and have a nice day.
(Side note: For those of you who might have reason to deal with DFAS: DON'T EVEN start with me about their web site. Just fuckin' DON'T. There isn't another entity in the entire Free World with as fucked up a web presence as the Federal Gub'mint. That goes for both TriCare and DFAS. I REFUSE to play their games.)
So then it was on to the IRS, said conversation bein' of necessity because I received a notice from those friendly folks last week that there MIGHT could be a problem with my 2011 return (and we WON'T go into detail here). We'll cut to the chase: I was on the phone for exactly one hour and 47 minutes (dontcha love the "elapsed time" counter on our phones?), of which about 17 minutes was spent in productive conversation and a hour and a half spent on hold. I shit thee not: a fucking HOUR AND A HALF... 90 MINUTES... on hold.
We'll cut to the chase yet again and reveal the issue was resolved in my favor after enduring a barrage of clearly scripted questions concerning the issue at hand ("answer yes or no to the following, please," said she), followed by yet another lengthy time on hold for Gawd-Only-Knows what reason, followed by a "Do you want me to transfer you to our accounting department to update your file?" Why, yes... yes I most certainly DO. And then we endured another half hour on hold...
But, Hey! It feels good to win one, once in a while... especially when ya win one with the IRS. I burned twice as much incense during our devotions last evening as a small offering to The Deity At Hand. That was the least I could do.
Further on Stoopid Phone Tricks: Some VERY unfortunate woman from the Romney campaign had a horrible experience with me when I was about 45 minutes into my IRS hold time. My phone rings and I answer it (while on hold with the IRS). The nice woman on the phone launches into a spiel and I cut her off right at the knees with "If you're from the Romney campaign TAKE ME OFF OF YOUR GOTDAMNED PHONE LIST... THIS IS MY CELL PHONE!" "Well, Ohhhh-Kaayyy" she responds, sweetly... "Have a NICE day." Bad timing on her part, in the first case. A reasonable reaction on MY part, in the second case, as this was about the sixth such call I've received in the past 48 hours. I was polite and genteel in the first five instances, explaining "you're calling me on my cell phone and I do NOT appreciate it," further requesting the caller take action to get my number expunged from their list. The lady today MIGHT have received my message, or so one hopes.
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| I shoulda chose option 3 |
(Side note: For those of you who might have reason to deal with DFAS: DON'T EVEN start with me about their web site. Just fuckin' DON'T. There isn't another entity in the entire Free World with as fucked up a web presence as the Federal Gub'mint. That goes for both TriCare and DFAS. I REFUSE to play their games.)
So then it was on to the IRS, said conversation bein' of necessity because I received a notice from those friendly folks last week that there MIGHT could be a problem with my 2011 return (and we WON'T go into detail here). We'll cut to the chase: I was on the phone for exactly one hour and 47 minutes (dontcha love the "elapsed time" counter on our phones?), of which about 17 minutes was spent in productive conversation and a hour and a half spent on hold. I shit thee not: a fucking HOUR AND A HALF... 90 MINUTES... on hold.
We'll cut to the chase yet again and reveal the issue was resolved in my favor after enduring a barrage of clearly scripted questions concerning the issue at hand ("answer yes or no to the following, please," said she), followed by yet another lengthy time on hold for Gawd-Only-Knows what reason, followed by a "Do you want me to transfer you to our accounting department to update your file?" Why, yes... yes I most certainly DO. And then we endured another half hour on hold...
But, Hey! It feels good to win one, once in a while... especially when ya win one with the IRS. I burned twice as much incense during our devotions last evening as a small offering to The Deity At Hand. That was the least I could do.
Further on Stoopid Phone Tricks: Some VERY unfortunate woman from the Romney campaign had a horrible experience with me when I was about 45 minutes into my IRS hold time. My phone rings and I answer it (while on hold with the IRS). The nice woman on the phone launches into a spiel and I cut her off right at the knees with "If you're from the Romney campaign TAKE ME OFF OF YOUR GOTDAMNED PHONE LIST... THIS IS MY CELL PHONE!" "Well, Ohhhh-Kaayyy" she responds, sweetly... "Have a NICE day." Bad timing on her part, in the first case. A reasonable reaction on MY part, in the second case, as this was about the sixth such call I've received in the past 48 hours. I was polite and genteel in the first five instances, explaining "you're calling me on my cell phone and I do NOT appreciate it," further requesting the caller take action to get my number expunged from their list. The lady today MIGHT have received my message, or so one hopes.
GOD, unfortunately I know EXACTLY what you mean, Buck. I'm still trying to get stuff straight that was "fixed" a year ago with SS and the IRS and now is "un-fixed" yet again. And the web-sites? Suicide time...it's a good thing I don't live in a hi-rise, lol.
ReplyDeleteMy particular issue with the gub'mint's web sites... DoD's, anyhoo... is their asinine password rules, including the fact you MUST change your password every 90 days. Yeah, like I go there SO very often, so I'll really remember the password, maybe. Fuck 'em.
DeletePS: One question. How do people with time-metered trac-phones, etc., cope with IRS/SS etc on-hold times? One stint and there goes damn near the entire allotment...thank God for Vonage..
ReplyDeleteI don't think people with pre-paid phones have these sorts of issues, Virg. Just guessin', yanno?
DeleteWhen I resort to the F-word several times in one paragraph, it is a sign that I am seriously pissed and could possibly do physical damage to someone. I think we may be alike in that sense.
ReplyDeleteWhen Toby did public accounting work, he dealt with the IRS on a regular basis. He was amazing. He would very politely tell them what the tax code said and how it worked in a very authoritative way. He always won. A good CPA is worth his weight in gold.
Yeah, I WAS pretty pissed about the hold time (but NOT the outcomes) when I wrote this... still. You'd think these agencies would have enough people to serve their customer base, but noooo.
DeleteEverything in America should be run by QVC. They have the most efficient system in the world. Call them up. They answer ( right away) " Good Morning Buck", how can we help you?" You tell them and then walk to the door because the darn package arrives almost that fast. No fuss...ever!
ReplyDeleteNow, if I can just figure out how to put QVC on Parental Control on the tv my bank account will improve.
Dave
I've never dealt with QVC, Dave, but Amazon is like that, too. They (Amazon) have a similar effect on my bank account, as well.
DeleteWe get pre-recorded robo-calls at least once a day... thank goodness nothing on the cell phone as yet. Ironically, it's the small gov't.. so called tea partiers, who are the worst. I wish I didn't need a phone.
ReplyDeleteThe Romney campaign is the first org to call my cell phone. The telemarketers KNOW they'll get their asses in a sling if they do that. I'm surprised Romney's org doesn't.
DeleteMore naked ladies, please...
ReplyDeleteI go through the annual dance with the IRS, too. But I try to be as pleasant as possible knowing the IRS giveth and taketh away. I found that by being prepared (An hour on hold allows me to rifle through files and boxes) and nice, the agent is usually eager to "help" rectify the situation and has even removed charges!
Concur on the seven levels of hell that are Tricare/DFAS websites.
I used my hold time with the IRS yesterday to gather all the info I needed, as well. But I was pretty much there before I made the call. See what I said to Virgil about the web sites.
DeleteIf elected, I will fight to end the IRS. Income Tax is a 1930's solution to a 1920's problem. The other candidates say they will cut taxes here, or cut taxes there. Folks, they are smoking cheap Nevada dope.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to cut Income Tax 100%. The IRS costs 1 billion to run each year. So that's a 1 billion tax cut right there.
I will then institute a 20% VAT (Value Added Tax - a Federal Sales Tax) until the national debt reaches 1 Trillion, and then I will relax it to 14%. We will need about 200 people to run that program, and I have a building in Denver that will be perfect.
A consumption tax is great, because illegal aliens, and tourists contribute.
I will make raw food items non-taxable. No tax on water. Everything else is 20%. Raw food items does not include alcohol, soda pop, or candy.
Vote for me, join the 21st Century.
I like the idea of a VAT over the income tax. The frickin' tax code is so complicated you NEED a CPA or a tax attorney to stay out of trouble. That said, your proposal would put a LOT o' people outta work. What would H.R. Block do? On second thought... who cares?
Delete