Are you finding yourself at loose ends on this Saturday? (or whichever day that finds you here, and you MUST be at loose ends if you're here, almost by definition) Looking for a thought provoking read? Well then... hie yourself off to Blog-Bud Daphne's place and give this a read. The prevailing cultural narrative we're exposed to these days is "men are pigs." Daphne provides second-hand evidence that such is not always the case. Boy-Howdy... does she ever. For what it's worth... I relate to the tale told therein. I'll not elaborate on that comment, except to say that about 75% of the story struck waaay too close to home for comfort. That is all.
I bet this did cut you to the quick Buck. Brave soul for reading it.
ReplyDeleteI've seen this in the reverse. An old friend - used to live next door to us. They were having trouble with their oldest daughter - really true psychotic behavior. The dad couldn't handle it, the non-perfect child. So one morning, he left them and went to the arms of another woman.
Their marriage did survive, but it's so damaged it's not a real relationship anymore. So sad.
"Brave soul for reading it."
ReplyDeleteAh, but once you start... :D
And remember I said "75%"... the Devil's in the details, always. And there are always two sides to every story. OK, I'm done with the required disclaimers. (more big grins, here)
Your story is sad, indeed, Kris. But there's something to said for survivability, isn't there?
Read it yesterday. Very thought provoking indeed. I haven't yet commented on it, as I'm still mulling it over. Closely describes the way a female friend has treated her two ex-husbands.
ReplyDeleteAnd it hits a bit close to home, although not as close as in your case, I surmise.
But there's something to said for survivability, isn't there?Buck, in some cases I'd agree. In the case of the people I knew - no. They have 2 daughters and they will both be screwed up for relationships for a very long time. As for the marriage - she likes the money he brings in, and he's just a pig.
ReplyDeleteVery well written and enlightening post you've linked to, Buck.
ReplyDeleteBoy, we human beings really know how to muck things up, don't we?
There were some big red flags in this account to me:
"...keep her from feeling embarrassed in front her big, fancy house friends. The mortgage was nearly paid off before you gutted and added on, now $3500 large leaves the checking account every month to cover her vanity."
It's sad when good men (although I'm not saying perfect!) accept character traits like this from someone with whom they will raise children together.
I'm as sad about this as I am when I hear about women who hook up with abusive men.
I certainly agree that society is prone to judge the husband first - for historical and cultural reasons, based on some reality - but always the children should be given priority. Dads are so important in the lives of their children and this is only now getting the consideration it deserves.
A self-centered woman can rationalize her own interests as being those of her child's and be very passionate about it. That's why the father feels so blindsided and confused. "That's what SHE wants," the father finally realizes. "But what does my child want?" Well, quite often the child wants to be with dad just a much (unless the poor kid has been brainwashed). To deny the child the regular companionship and influence of his or her dad, just because of the mother's perceived needs, is hurtful to both father and child.
On a more inspiring note, look at the happy couples - those who genuinely love each other and have for many, many years. What do they have in common? I think that they willingly put the other first (DEVOTION), they have true RESPECT for each other, a gentle and forgiving heart and a passion for the goodness and magic of life. A tender sense of humor for their own and each others shortcomings helps, too. And most importantly, TRUST.
Some seem to come by this naturally, others have to work at it harder. Find someone like this and be this kind of person yourself and you will be one of the fortunate ones.
Bec sez: "I think that they willingly put the other first (DEVOTION), they have true RESPECT for each other, a gentle and forgiving heart and a passion for the goodness and magic of life. A tender sense of humor for their own and each others shortcomings helps, too. And most importantly, TRUST."
ReplyDeleteAh, Bec. I really, truly thought I had that. But after 23 years... of which at LEAST 22 seem to bear that out... "things" changed. It all depend on whose reality one accepts (from a strictly personal-experience stand point) as to whether that was true... or not. Still and even, I remain thankful for the good years. But the end-game remains a VERY painful memory. I still believe things could have been saved, but I'm in the minority.
I kind-sorta believe it's all a crap shoot. Some of us win, othera among us roll snake-eyes. I'm envious of the winners. (sigh)
I know of men who have bailed on their families and women who have bailed. People do not really know how to love - who teaches that? Even some churches today teach self-fulfillment and encourage couples to seek new relationships rather than working on the old ones. Society puts more importance on sexual relations and often calls it love. The minute a person starts thinking he/she deserves more (and society constantly tell you that you do deserve more), and you let that thought take root, things go downhill. I could go on and on.
ReplyDeleteAh, Lou. You possess an incredible amount of wisdom. I always look forward to your comments in this particular space.
ReplyDeleteHey Buck; This post and link were the subject de jure (spelling?) while Spousal Unit and I bubbled in the jacuzzi with the obligatory champagne.
ReplyDeleteI have some very unmovable ideas about the subject, but then again, I really dislike many women out there, due to my own bad experiences.
What I just wrote is an unfair comment to make, since many people are just real nice and it is just the thirty percent who mess it all up for the rest. Here is what I learned, but not soon enough;
"Son, my advice to you is to fear women".
That was my Father from 1976 talking, and I think he stole that from SF Chronicle writer, Charles McCabe.
Darryl: Your Dad gave good advice, and my tongue is only partly in my cheek when I say that.
ReplyDeleteMy experience with women has been decidedly mixed, but I'm certainly not the Lone Ranger in that regard. As I mentioned above, life and relationships are largely a crap shoot: some people get lucky, others roll snake eyes. As for me... I don't wanna get near the tables any longer.